Old farts and young

"People should eat fewer baked beans to reduce flatulence which can contribute to global warming, a minister suggested today. Fears were raised about the impact of 'smelly emissions' caused by Brits eating more beans than any other country in the world. Climate change minister Lady Verma said it was an 'important' issue and urged the public to 'moderate our behaviour'. Concerns have previously been raised about the effect of methane emissions from cows on global warming. But in the House of Lords today a Labour peer raised questions about the impact of human diet on emmisions. Viscount Simon, 73, a Labour peer who has been a member of the House of Lords for more than 20 years, voiced his fears about the 'smelly emissions'." In "Cut back on eating baked beans to reduce 'smelly emissions': Minister's bizarre tip in battle to tackle climate change," by Matt Chorley, Daily Mail UK, 9 April 2014.

                  Old farts and young are having their say, emitting much gas the political way. Fewer baked beans will lessen their toots, say ministers speaking like crazy old coots. Lords and Ladies, farts one and all, you're all such a gas! Quite an aerosol! Spray your words, selling credits to trade and next you'll advise that we all soon get spayed. Explosive reports are heard far and wide, for a herd of retorts booms loud amplified. Nothing in this should make one guffaw, for they're Lords and they're Ladies expelling their law. Emissions emit, as gases expand. No wonder! So much shit sullies the land. See, oh too! Methane's a threat. Regulate all with a carbon oubliette.
                  It's lovely to think between man and his cow come government ministers to some things allow and some to deny, gas masks in case more government gas wafts more towards his face.
                  Old farts and young are cause for concern. With all turned so stinky it's time we adjourn those Lords and those Ladies and their gassy fears, abating those worries which burst from their rears. A laughing matter this assuredly ain't for the highbrow adore each green-housing saint who'll promise salvation from flatulent beasts, as long as one greases the palms of green priests. Cash on the barrelhead, barnyard brash, must be counted by the counters of green leafy cash which goes towards the farts and abatement thereof, in order that man more his green Gaia love.

Smelly emissions in a House filled with Lords suggests Ladies will notice some bitter discords, huffing and puffing over gas, common gas, then holding their noses until all sense will pass. Let's all wear bags and sequester the stuff? Or maybe just laugh and offer them snuff? Nosing about with a commoner's flair, one learns with a chuckle of their flatulent air.

Old farts and young are having their say, emitting much gas the political way. Fewer baked beans will lessen their toots, say ministers speaking like crazy old coots. Unbaked beans? There's explosive cuisine. And it could be the loudest yet to be seen. Lords and Ladies, won't you pass your gas to sequestration without biomass? Don't light a candle to illumine your House, or brigades must come running with water to douse burning passions for flatulence that fires a rhymed bit of laughter as the messaging tires. It's out of control to hilarity's height, as this subject is ripe with ridicule to ignite. Booming voices in Parliament speak: Who has done what? I heard some fart squeak! Fewer baked beans? It's the answer du jour, and this saves our world. Of that they are sure. The lilting rhyme of the magical fruit comes quick to mind with silent best toot. Lords and Ladies and cows' herds pass gas, but a cheapened debate seems oh just so crass. Think on some Lady's sweet dairy air! Think on some Lords emitting with a flair!

Old farts often make young people laugh, like Lords and like Ladies and their flatulence gaffe. New farts are coming, the future declares so that old farts won't ever be caught unawares. The cow of the future is coming our way, milking with subsidies what markets must pay. The footprints of carbon echo ka-ching, and one will hear the cash registers ring! Mitigating farts is the globalist scheme, emitting a stink with its price-raising dream. Given the ministers, bureaucrats and clerks, one may be certain that flatulence works to keep all these folks and their anxieties' song atop the ripe heap where they know they belong. Old farts linger, while young farts accrue, emitting their scents which will bloom for you.

Addendum of the Hereditary Peer: "A hereditary peer has questioned whether flatulence caused by the country’s high consumption of baked beans is adding to global warming. Viscount Simon, 73, a Labour peer who has been a member of the House of Lords for more than 20 years, raised concerns about the 'smelly emissions'. His comments came as energy minister Baroness Verma answered questions in the Upper House on how the Government was tackling climate change. Lord Simon said: 'In a programme some months ago on the BBC it was stated that this country has the largest production of baked beans and the largest consumption of baked beans in the world.' To laughter from peers, he asked Lady Verma: 'Could you say whether this affects the calculation of global warming by the Government as a result of the smelly emission resulting there from'?" In "Flatulence caused by baked beans in global warming query," by Nicholas Randall, Western Morning News, 9 April 2014.

A strapping addendum: "In an attempt to understand the extent of cow flatulence on global warming, scientists in Argentina are strapping plastic bags to the backs of cows to capture their emissions. Argentina has more than 55 million cows, making it a leading producer of beef. In the study, the scientists were surprised to discover that a standard 550-kg cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions, including methane, each day." In "Cow Backpacks Trap Methane Gas," by Lisa Zyga, Phys.org, 11 July 2008.

Addendum of Nature's Woodwind Section: "Flatulent cows are not a laughing matter. (Pause.) OK, they are a laughing matter. And flatulent sheep and goats are almost as funny — though not to the chickens and pigs in the pen next door. But pull-my-hoof livestock are a problem too. The emissions produced by nature’s woodwind section contain a nasty mix of many gasses, among them methane. Though carbon dioxide is the first gas that comes to mind when we think of greenhouse emissions, pound for pound, methane is more than 20 times more powerful in terms of its global warming potential. Methane doesn’t linger in the atmosphere quite as long as CO2, and it’s not produced industrially in anywhere near the same quantity, but it does its damage all the same — and livestock toots out a surprisingly large share of it." In "Silence the Cows and Save the Planet," by Jeffrey Kluger, Time Magazine, 30 March 2011.

Addendum of Anthropogenic Emissions: "A new study has revealed that the amount of methane – a greenhouse gas 20 times more potent but far less prevalent than CO2 – released into the US atmosphere is significantly higher than previously thought. 'We find greenhouse gas emissions from agriculture and fossil fuel extraction and processing (i.e., oil and/or natural gas) are likely a factor of two or greater than cited in existing studies,' reports a paper describing the findings, 'Anthropogenic emissions of methane in the United States', published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science (PNAS). Overall, as the Harvard Gazette explains, the study found methane emissions to be 1.5 times to 1.7 times higher than earlier estimates by the Emissions Database for Global Atmospheric Research (EDGAR) and the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)." In "Cow FLATULENCE, gas emissions MUCH WORSE than thought - boffins," by Rik Myslewski, Register UK, 26 November 2013.

Addendum of Asking Cows Nicely: "In June, the Agriculture Department, the Energy Department and the E.P.A. will release a joint “biogas road map” aimed at accelerating adoption of methane digesters, machines that reduce methane emissions from cattle, in order to cut dairy-sector greenhouse gas emissions by 25 percent by 2020.S ...Since cattle flatulence and manure are a significant source of methane, farmers have long been worried that a federal methane control strategy could place a burden on them. But Andrew Walmsley, director of congressional relations for the American Farm Bureau Federation, said that his group was pleased that, for now, the administration’s proposals to reduce methane from cattle were voluntary." In "White House Unveils Plans to Cut Methane Emissions," by Coral Davenport, 28 March 2014.

Addendum of 'Going' after Flatulence: "...as part of its climate change agenda, the Obama administration is planning to not only crack down on the oil and gas industry, but also so dairy farms. The reason seems to be cow flatulence." In "The Obama Administration Goes After the Threat of Cow Flatulence," by Mark Whittington, Yahoo, 30 March 2014.

Addendum of the Cow of the Future: "Cow of the Future is one of ten projects the Innovation Center for the U.S. Dairy launched to support the industry-wide initiative to reduce greenhouse gas emissions (GHG) for fluid milke across the entire dairy supply chain by 25 % by 2020. The milk production segment of the U.S. dairy supply chain is the single largest source of GHG emissions contributing 51.5% to the fluid milk carbon footprint (Thoma et all., 2012). In addition, enteric methane constitutes 25.1% of the entire dairy value chain carbon footprint (Figure 1; Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy, 2012). Given the large size of its contribution to the overall carbon footprint, the Innovation Center for the U.S. Dairy indentified enteric methane mitigation as a priority area and launched the Cow of the Future project to address it." In "Cow of the Future: the Enteric Methane Reduction Project Supporting the U.S. Dairy Industry Sustainability Commitment," J. M. Tricarico, Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy, Rosemont, Illinois, n.d.

Addendum of a Hot Correction for the Old Fart: "Sorry to ruin your appetite, but it's time to talk about cow belches. Humans the world over are eating meat and drinking milk — some of us a little less, some of us a lot more, than years past. Farmers are bringing more and more cows into the world to meet demand, and with them escapes more methane into the atmosphere. In 2011, methane from livestock accounted for 39 percent of all the greenhouse gas emissions from agriculture, according to a report that United Nation's Food and Agriculture Organization released Friday. That's more than synthetic fertilizer or deforestation. Methane from livestock rose 11 percent between 2001 and 2011. The bulk of the emissions — 55 percent — came from beef cattle. Dairy cows, buffalo, sheep and goats accounted for the rest." In "Gassy Cows Are Warming The Planet, And They're Here To Stay," by Maanvi Singh, Natioanl Public Radio, 12 April 2014 (in a correction).

See: Bankrupt green and The Hockey-Stick Man

Original material - Copyright © 2014 by Gary Bachlund